My mad fat diary - Cambodia edition

Hannah has struggled with body shaming ever since arriving in Cambodia, this is her story:

So I've always been a bigger girl and dealt with the "normal" high school bullying growing up as I imagine most plus size girls have too. Over the past year or so I've learnt so much more about myself and even more importantly to love and appreciate the body I have been given (wobbly bits and all)! I knew when I accepted the Team Leader post in Cambodia I would be a giant over here compared to the local Khmer people... I wasn't wrong!

I spent my first couple of weeks in Phnom Penh where things seemed pretty diverse and accepting, so I was very rarely feeling self conscious. I had already accepted that I probably wouldn't find any clothes here to fit me, and people may say little comments here and there which I can shrug off. I'd always said if someone makes what I consider to be a rude remark I will remain calm and try to explain to them that in my (UK) culture, it's rude to comment on someone's weight, and this can be very upsetting/ offensive.

We were in the guesthouse the night before collecting our UK volunteers, having a night time cigarette and lots of young Khmer people flooded the outside area. It didn't take the the other TL's and myself long to realise these were the VSO national volunteers! One of the lively young ladies came over to me and started to gesture comparing her body size to mine, all of her friends/ other volunteers laughed. I felt my face flush red as I tried to explain in an assertive yet polite manner that what she was doing is considered rude in my culture. I don't think she understood what I was saying but she quickly retreated due what I think was my stern tone. I shrugged it off and carried on with my mini pamper night so I was looking and feeling my best for my volunteers. After a fantastic week getting to know my volunteers and understand team dynamics it was finally time to go to community!

We got to our host home where our host home had prepared dinner for us for when we arrived. After finishing our rice and vegetables, a new lady who we hadn't met before comes into the front of our house (which is a shop). As soon as she seen me she started to make "fat" gestures and joke about me in Khmer. I knew exactly what was being said so my counterpart promptly explained to her that it's offensive to joke about my weight. The woman ignored my counterpart  and continued to point at me and bloat her face to mock me. She tried to joke with my host mum who ignored her after hearing what my counterpart had already explained. By this point I was getting really angry. She carried on again but this time touching my tummy and laughing even more. I told my counterpart I haven't got time for people like her and walked out of the dining area and to my room where I completely broke down.

I just couldn't understand why she would continue to say and do these things after being told multiple times that is was rude and offensive to me. Why did this woman want to make me upset? Was I that beneath her she vould upset me without it mattering? 

Although I knew SHE was the problem I couldn't help feeling like I wasn't good enough to fit in in such a "small" community. I cried for a few hours and decided to get some sleep and start fresh the next day. In the morning I woke up feeling a bit sad but better than the previous night. I went for a cigarette at the front of the shop when 2 people travelling on bikes stopped to tell me I was fat... like I didn't know!!! My mood dropped instantly, I was crying again left worrying could I deal with this mentally for another 2 months? It seemed like people were only seeing my size. I try to be my bubbly, confident, smiley self here so people don't only get a good first impression of me, but of Brits in general.

I consider myself to be a strong and versatile person, but I was really concerned about how these comments and people touching my tummy would affect my mental health over the next 2 months. After a LONG talk with my amazing parents I decided I can't fall this early and was going to try and get myself in the best mindset possible to do what I came here to do and make a different in a developing country and to help encourage young people to develop themselves and build skills which will benefit them in their futures. 

Over the past couple of weeks things have died down a bit in the comments front, and apart from the occasional "fat" or "big" or even tummy grope all is well. 

I am very aware this is going to be an ongoing issue for me, but I need to remember something that I unfortunately forgot a couple of weeks ago. I am beautiful, I am worth it, and I have so much more to me than my weight (No matter what that is).

I have lost 2 stone since being in Cambodia!